Thanks Nabila

Thanks sweetie. Going out alone, and putting it all down and not being easy on myself sounds like a plan. Going to Turtle Bay with a sounding board sounds even better. What say?

A lot better

Yes, its a case of being a puppet and / or victim of sociological and cutltural patterns and conditions which i am finding hard to break. Thanks Priya for at least helping me put into words what i couldn't till now. I am bored sometimes. Yes, i know its only in my head like all the other things that are disturbing me but co-existing quite peacefully in my head. I could throw it out if i tried. But then I am worried my mind would then be empty. And we all have heard that an empty mind is a devil's workshop. And a devils workshop can never be empty, can it? So no point in moving out all that is there unless i find something to replace it all. Sounds confusing? Well, that's in my head too... What i really need is loads of courage, tons of money, a visa to all the places i want to see and a good friend (can do without the friend, with tons of money, i can find a bodyguard). The rest of the stuff i can pick up along the way. That i think will help me put down roots and settle down rather than feel restless all the time. (After all the travelling, i figure i'd get bored of it and just not want to go anywhere) There are a lot of things i want to do. And courage to voice them all. I know i don't want to live life on anyone else's terms but my own. What is right or wrong or grey. I think its only perception that colours everything. Nothing is right or wrong. Just like an object appears to be a color in one light and another in another light, i feel its only perspective that defines right, wrong, red, blue, black, grey, happy, sad, mad, sanity... everthing. (I cant think of anything more to write... and if this entire blog seems disjointed, then, i accept the blame. I have just written what i felt like, not bothering about what people will feel / say. I am definitely proud of that. Maybe i will be able to talk and say to friends what i really want and then found more of me that is lost.)

Something's better than nothing

My creativity seems to have deserted me. Or maybe i was never creative (though everyone around does think i am). I know I pay attention to details that most people miss. I have a decent sense of dress and fashion and interiors. I write decently alright, albeit, only when i am in the mood for it. I can think of solutions to tricky problems (which are not mine) and for the last 5 five years I have survived in a job in a industry that I am not fond of. My problem is that i get bored easy. And when i am with friends i cant be my normal self. In fact, I dont even know my real self anymore. I am setting out to discover that. At 29 years. But then, if not now, then I will only get older. I also realise i am getting to rigid, harsh and emotinally dry as days go by. While i write this now, i am wondering why i am spilling a bit of my guts out on a public forum... when i normally cant talk about anything important with any one. I guess that is why i have taken this long hiatus from blogging. I really could not think of any topics that were impersonal. And was scared to pen or keyboard anything that is really me. Maybe now is a good time to start something new. Maybe not. If anyone does read this, please post your comments so i know. Maybe the next instalment, i will try and talk about my career crisis.

Wise words by Leonard Cohen

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m told: From the latest hit, To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold In My Secret Life.

 ~ Leonard Cohen